A few years ago I went to Venice, and of all the beautiful things that can be found in that city, for me, the masks were the most affecting. I'd go as far as to say that they held me in thrall. True Venetian masks are completely stunning creations. I'd go back there in an instant just to get my hands on one - that and the glass, which is almost as spectacular - the way colours and light are trapped within something which seems so simple, and the feel of it, smooth and cold in your palm - it is something which I see as being shrouded in mystery.
The fascination of masks is similar in a way. The mystery that they create draws me in - you can hide anything behind a mask - a multitude of sins, or a lack. Experience and innocence, age and youth, naivety and cynicism, pain or joy - everything vanishes, leaving a blank - an elaborate, painted face, but a blank all the same.

I find a certain poignancy in masks. Every morning when I put on my face, do my hair, and dress myself up, I feel like I'm putting on a mask. I can't really remember the last time I let myself truly be me. It was probably with my last boyfriend - in the dark, late one night, and under the influence of something, in one of those surreal moments of connection that happen at the strangest of times. He was the only person who I've trusted enough to let inside for a very long while. I'm a good liar - a practised liar. Its not something to be proud of, particularly as I don't really know how to do anything else now. Of course, I'm not saying that I go round telling barefaced fibs or inventing ridiculous untruths. Instead, in all my actions I present the world with something that is almost entirely false. I've learnt what to do. People always say that I have a ready smile - what most of them don't know is that that is something that is not natural for me... smiling itself is something I'd almost never do, for its often almost impossible to understand what there is to smile about. Instead, I've taught myself to smile at the right moments, to laugh, to shake my hair, to be bright and breezy, and to fit in. Perversely, this is the best way not to be noticed. Or, to be more accurate - I may be noticed, but no-one will see or understand what's behind my 'mask', and so no-one will ask the pertinent questions. This way I escape.

We all do it, I'm sure, to a certain extent - say the right thing, at the right time, when its not what you believe or how you feel at that moment, but just because the real aim of the game is to fit in, maintain the status quo, and avoid attention. Perhaps I do it more than most, or perhaps its just that no-one ever admits it. It requires a lot of effort, and there are times when I find its just not possible anymore - somedays I don't have the energy, or even the ability, to look presentable and keep my persona, or even just to muster a smile. Sometimes I can't hide how hopeless, black, and oppressive the day seems to be. On those days, I don't even get out of bed - such is life!

A strange journal, this. I'm very tired, and have had too much coffee, not enough food, and a really bad week. I'm not really sure what I'm getting at - sometimes its nice just to write without worrying too much about making sense or whether or not your sentences actually flow together. For now, I'm hoping that the caffeines worn off; I really must try to sleep - a day of serious revision is planned for tomorrow - if I don't somehow getting more done there really will be no point me even turning up to my exams, and if I fail them I'm really not sure what on earth there will be for me to do. Still, hopefully things will work out in the end!

Amelia
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On a much, much brighter note, I recently watched the film 'Secretary'. Its INCREDIBLE. I really love Maggie Gyllenhaal - I think shes beautiful, and classy, and sexual, and her character in this film is all of the things. It really struck a chord with me - its a little odd, but its so well done, and other major character has a power which is extremely attractive. Well worth a watch - keep an open mind. Also, the soundtrack is really beautiful - Leonard Cohen's 'I'm your man' is now the soundtrack to my life!

"I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance" (Cummings again)